How to get deported from Qatar…

Being an expat offers many benefits. Money, travel and career opportunities are the more obvious ones when it comes to Qatar. But they all come at a price: learning to keep your mouth shut.

Firstly, it’s extremely bad form to criticise the royal family — doing so is the quickest way to get yourself bundled onto a plane and deported. If anyone asks, the Emir is a super chill bro. End of story.

Islam is also super chill. It’s an inescapable part of daily life in Qatar and, as you may have noticed, kind of a ‘big deal’ in the Middle East. Any criticism of the religion, the prophet Mohammed, or similar, is a sure fire way to get yourself fired / locked up / deported. If you need to have this explained to you then you probably shouldn’t be in the Gulf.

Foreign military intervention is another touchy subject. Whatever your personal thoughts on the matter (and whatever you picked up via western news outlets), the region has a long and complicated history of western occupation (dating back to the crusades). The nuances of all this, and how it affects modern geopolitics is beyond this book extract. Or any book…

Basically, chest-thumping nationalism (or condescending talk of ‘foreign aid’ and intervention) will not go over well with a local audience. If you are asked to offer an opinion, and can’t make a hasty exit, then at least try and phrase it within the context of your western media influence.

This seems to be especially problematic for U.S. expats. While other countries are happy to simply plunder wealth (Britain) or sleep with the locals (Spain and Portugal), there’s a certain U.S. contingent that feels the need to ‘fix the world’s problems’.

This will manifest itself in tedious dinner party conversations about worker’s rights, women’s rights, gay rights, etc., etc. Yes, these are all valid concerns, but they’re unlikely to be solved via a combination of watered-down beers, liberal arts idealism and ‘American Exceptionalism’.

Now obviously you can’t lump all foreign nationals under the same umbrella. But be wary of anyone who starts talking about ‘making a difference’. They will, inevitably, be the first to become disillusioned, ‘catch feelings’ and leave the country.

Other Topics to Avoid include:

Sunni and Shia Muslims

Just, don’t. Do not get into this conversation. Do not offer your opinion on this topic. If you get cornered simply nod in agreement with whatever the person says and excuse yourself as quickly as possible. Seriously, you don’t want to get into a conversation about the 1500-year blood feud regarding Mohammed’s rightful heir.

The U.S. military presence

While Qataris are more tolerant of western military intervention than other Middle East countries, this has a lot to do with the giant (not very secret) U.S. airbase in the middle of the country. This is to keep Saudi or Iran from getting any ‘ideas’. Before the U.S. showed up, the country was under the ‘protection’ of the British Empire. In any case, it’s a touchy subject and doesn’t make for polite dinner conversation.

Western Imperialism and Middle East intervention

While the Qataris can (grudgingly) see the benefit of having the U.S. army on their soil to keep neighbouring countries at bay, broader intervention in the region makes everyone deeply suspicious. People assume that western powers are in the region to steal the oil and tell everyone what to do. Which, perhaps, isn’t that far removed from the truth.

Israel

Yeah, nah. Unless your view is sympathetic to the Palestinian cause, keep your mouth shut about Israel. And even then, it’s probably best to change the subject. International maps distributed in Qatar don’t even include Israel — that should tell you how well regarded the country is. If the Palestine / Israel issue is complicated in the west, it’s a circle jerk in Qatar (and the broader) Middle East.

You can find more tips on living and working in Qatar in my book — God Willing: How to survive expat life in Qatar.