Trader Vic’s at the Hilton, Doha

The first time I went to Trader Vic’s, no one had explained it to me, and it just seemed like a retro tinged restaurant with a bunch of random Spanish people dancing in the corner. I went inside, had a look around, was like ‘nah’, and went somewhere else.

It’s only when I got dragged back a second time that I realised that there’s an outdoor area by the water and that this is supposed be some sort of Tiki Bar / restaurant.

Now, as I understand it, a Tiki Bar is supposed to be a Polynesian-themed bar that serves rum-based cocktails in cool ceramic mugs and the staff set things on fire (preferably the drinks).

Trader Vic’s décor is Polynesian by way of a garage sale from a Samoan family. Yeah, you can order zombies, they have some clapped out old chairs and the menu has been designed to mimic Polynesians themes, but it’s like the proprietors ran out of energy at that point, went ‘fuck this’, and spent the rest of the afternoon watching Surf’s Up, or thinking about LandCruisers. Or whatever people do.

Anyway, some random facts that I sort of remember, or imagined, because, really, what difference does it make…

The décor makes a passing nod to the southeast before giving up and settling for South Florida retirement home instead.

The drinks are served in generic cocktail glasses (not on fire). The staff behind the bar are made to wear cheap Hawaiian shirts, which makes you feel embarrassed for them.

Oh, and if you want to actually get a drink, you’ll have to line up at the bar for around 20 minutes, gradually losing the will to live.

So why do people come here on the regular? That would be the outdoor area alongside the water. There’s a sort of boardwalk that juts out into the ocean and you can lean against it being cool, smoking cigarettes, drinking drinks and wondering why the DJ is playing old 80s songs. Also, talking to girls. Or guys. Or both. Or having crippling social anxiety and just looking at your phone all night! The possibilities are almost endless!

For real though, when the weather is just right, and the palm trees are swaying in the wind and you’re on your third Tiki Puka Puka cocktail, this place can be pretty, pretty, okay. But the hangover will be hellish.

You can find more tips on living and working in Qatar in my book — God Willing: How to survive expat life in Qatar.